“You are the strongest person I know – I wouldn’t want to go through this with anyone else but you.” My husband said this very sweet line to me a few days ago while trying to replace my tears with a smile after a very scary package was delivered to our condo.
Inside the package were dozens of needles and ice packs cradling my infertility medicine. There – I said it… I’m having trouble getting pregnant. It’s this very concern that has been whirling around in my head since spring when my gynecologist referred me and my husband to a reproductive endocrinologist (AKA: an infertility doc) after trying months of other meds.
There’s something about professing a weakness aloud – its empowering, frightening, and its the first step to a bigger conversation. I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking whether or not I would ever share my infertility journey on my blog. I’m sure that just reading this article will make people – especially family – very uncomfortable. On the other hand, I’m hoping that my journey can help other women and couples who are going through the same thing understand the reality of infertility.
I wish I could say that I have all the answers and that everything is going to turn out to be perfect – but if that were the case I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now. The truth is – I am scared because this isn’t in my control. I am scared that all the medicine in the world won’t work. I am scared of a lot of things. I am also reminded daily that God is good and that if I am meant to have a family I do not need to worry as He has already named my kids.
This brings me back to my conversation I had with my husband earlier this week. Although he is right – I am strong in many ways – sometimes I don’t always WANT to be the strong one. Selfishly, I would love this process to be easy and fun. I would love to surprise him with a “positive” pregnancy test. I feel like I am almost being robbed of a huge life moment. I don’t want to have to make calculated and difficult decisions about my future and I don’t like having this occupy my every thought. I’m not sharing these private thoughts with you to make you feel bad for me or pity me in ANY way – actually its the exact opposite. I hope that when you read this and if you are experiencing infertility or you know someone who is that you understand that sometimes crap happens. It doesn’t matter how healthy you are or how perfectly you follow the general rules of life – infertility is real and its hard. It’s ok to be scared, it’s ok to have mini freak out sessions, and its also okay if things don’t work out like you had always planned.
I am optimistic that my future will be beautiful no matter what the outcome is. I know that I am ridiculously blessed in love, family, faith, and support and that I have a HUGE life ahead of me.
Thanks for reading and I’ll continue to share more along the way.