I’M NOT A SUPERHERO

Infertility story

“You are the strongest person I know – I wouldn’t want to go through this with anyone else but you.” My husband said this very sweet line to me a few days ago while trying to replace my tears with a smile after a very scary package was delivered to our condo.

Inside the package were dozens of needles and ice packs cradling my infertility medicine. There – I said it… I’m having trouble getting pregnant. It’s this very concern that has been whirling around in my head since spring when my gynecologist referred me and my husband to a reproductive endocrinologist (AKA: an infertility doc) after trying months of other meds.

There’s something about professing a weakness aloud – its empowering, frightening, and its the first step to a bigger conversation. I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking whether or not I would ever share my infertility journey on my blog. I’m sure that just reading this article will make people – especially family – very uncomfortable. On the other hand, I’m hoping that my journey can help other women and couples who are going through the same thing understand the reality of infertility.

I wish I could say that I have all the answers and that everything is going to turn out to be perfect – but if that were the case I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now. The truth is – I am scared because this isn’t in my control. I am scared that all the medicine in the world won’t work. I am scared of a lot of things. I am also reminded daily that God is good and that if I am meant to have a family I do not need to worry as He has already named my kids.

This brings me back to my conversation I had with my husband earlier this week. Although he is right – I am strong in many ways – sometimes I don’t always WANT to be the strong one. Selfishly, I would love this process to be easy and fun. I would love to surprise him with a “positive” pregnancy test. I feel like I am almost being robbed of a huge life moment. I don’t want to have to make calculated and difficult decisions about my future and I don’t like having this occupy my every thought. I’m not sharing these private thoughts with you to make you feel bad for me or pity me in ANY way – actually its the exact opposite. I hope that when you read this and if you are experiencing infertility or you know someone who is that you understand that sometimes crap happens. It doesn’t matter how healthy you are or how perfectly you follow the general rules of life – infertility is real and its hard. It’s ok to be scared, it’s ok to have mini freak out sessions, and its also okay if things don’t work out like you had always planned.

I am optimistic that my future will be beautiful no matter what the outcome is. I know that I am ridiculously blessed in love, family, faith, and support and that I have a HUGE life ahead of me.

Thanks for reading and I’ll continue to share more along the way.
– DBB

 

6 comments
  • Dinora Cobarruvias

    Thanks for sharing!ReplyCancel

  • Sailu

    Heather, what a brave post. I really appreciate you sharing and I have so much faith that things will work out the way they were intended. Love you so much! Can we have lunch soon?ReplyCancel

    • Thanks Sailu and thanks for being a great friend 🙂 You know I am always DT LunchReplyCancel

  • Hello! I want to start out saying a BIG thank you for your blog. I was reecntly diagnosed with an endometriosis cyst on my right ovary, via ultrasound. I was devastated to hear that my only functioning ovary (my left fallopian tube is blocked) was in jeopardy. I was sad and confused, seeing I have never had any symptoms of endometriosis.Your blog was the first I came across when I began, franticly, scouring the Internet for help and answers. I took to your reccomendations, and started the endo diet. I cut out gluten, dairy, sugar, processed foods, and red meat. And then only free range chicken, fish, and eggs (rarely) and organic fresh fruits and vegetables. The juicing has been an awesome experience. I love the way my skin is looking I also started taking serrapeptase, fish oil, B complex, and countinued my prenatal vitamins.Well, today was my follow up (2.5 weeks after starting the diet) and I am thrilled to tell you that my 5.6 cm cyst is now 4.5 cm!!!!! I can’t believe it! I could tell right off the bat, that the cyst looked so much smaller. What an amazing thing!Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Your information, your story has renewed my hope. I do hope that I will one day soon I’ll be able to tell you I am pregnant. Thank you again for this wonderful blog.-ChelseaReplyCancel

    • Florian what great news!!! I had a 8cm cyst that I had removed from my ovary. In December I got my big fat positive pregnancy test… I’m 13 weeks now and overjoyed. I’m rooting for you and can’t wait to hear your continued story. ReplyCancel